Why Won’t He Forget Her?

Why does Paula's husband keep talking about his ex-wife?

Paula Writes:

Why does my husband keep talking about his ex-wife? He brings her into our conversations far too much for my liking. She cheated on him and she was the one who left the marital home.

I too was divorced after 26 years of marriage, but I never talk about my ex-husband.

Am I being supersensitive? I’d really welcome advice from the male point of view and wonder whether any men in the 50connect community can offer me an explanation or suggest how I can deal with this problem. Please help?

Andy Advises:

When a marriage ends in divorce, and particularly when you - or in this case your partner - are the innocent party, it can, as I'm sure you are aware, hugely diminish your confidence.

Perhaps your husband talks about his ex because he's trying to prove to himself that he was a 'good' husband and didn't deserve the way she treated him. He might be looking for reassurance from you that you won't do the same thing. By talking about her, he's subconsciously boosting his own morale by proving that he wasn't 'to blame' for the relationship ending.

What he doesn't realise is that by constantly bringing her into conversation, he is making you feel terribly insecure. Every time he mentions her, your confidence is taking a knock.

Can you sit down quietly with him, explain how his constant references to her are hurting you, and how happy it would make you if he could stop harping back to the past? Tell him you want to make the best of the here and now.

Remember, your husband chose you following his divorce, because he loved you and he asked you to marry him because he wanted to share the rest of his life with you. You clearly accepted for similar reasons.

It might also be a good idea for both of you to chat this problem through with a RELATE counsellor. Call their head office for details of your nearest branch. They're based at Herbert Gray College, Little Church Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 3AP, telephone 01788 573241 or visit their website www.relate.org.uk.