Her Husband Died Of Aids - Can She Trust Again?

I am sorry to hear you have been through such a difficult experience, Angela, and that you are feeling so low and lonely now.

The death of a partner, however it happens, is an enormous thing to deal with.  That your husband died suddenly and at a relatively young age, must have been a great shock.  It is natural to experience grief and feelings of loss as you come to terms with life without someone so close to you.

A spokesperson for the Terence Higgins Trust advised me that to have found out your husband was dying of AIDS must have added to your burden of emotions.  Naturally it has caused you to question your husband’s fidelity and even his sexuality - and in turn this can make it difficult to find peace as you grieve.

It is unlikely you will find out the answers to many of your questions.  You mentioned wondering how and why he cheated on you and whether he infected other people.  Of course these are natural questions to ask, but there is no way of answering them.  I wonder, even if it had been possible to ask your husband these questions, whether the answers would really have helped you to move on.

You mention you have had specialist bereavement counselling, which I hope gave you the opportunity to explore some of these very difficult feelings.  It may be worth trying another course of counselling now that some time has passed, to focus on how you are feeling now.  You might ask your doctor for advise on where to find expert help or contact CRUSE Bereavement Care.  Visit their website www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk or call them on 0844 477 9400.  Lines are open daily from 9.30am to 5pm or email them at helpline@cruse.org.uk

You say you don’t want another man in your life but that you are very lonely.  You also describe your relationship with your children and say you feel everyone is blaming you for what happened.  It is important that you know yourself that you are not to blame. 

I wonder what support you do have - do you have a close friend or a social network you feel comfortable with?  Support, both professional and social, may be key in helping you to move on and easing your loneliness.  It may sound clichéd, but joining local social groups, classes or taking up some volunteer work could widen your social circle.  Think about you and the person you are - what interests would you like to develop, what would you enjoy doing?

You don’t have to feel any pressure to find a new relationship, but new friendships could help dispel the loneliness you feel.  Learning to trust again after a betrayal is a slow process and putting trust in someone always comes with a risk.  But making some initial steps to build friendships and let people in to your world and your feelings can bring great rewards.  You can choose how close people get to you and you can choose who you share yourself with. 

You sound as though you are ready to make some changes in your life to make things better for you and I am sure you have the strength to move on.  You will never forget your husband or the hurt you have felt since his death, but you can put it behind you and focus on you and really living the rest of your life.

The Terence Higgins Trust do offer support to the families of those who are suffering or have died from HIV or AIDS.  They have a helpline called THT Direct. It's a national helpline for all those affected by HIV and they are there to support you and help you come to your own decisions.
 
You can call THT Direct on 0845 1221 200 between 10am and 10pm on Monday to Friday, and from 12 noon to 6pm on Saturday and Sunday. If you're calling from a landline then wherever you phone from in the UK you’ll only be charged for a local call. Charges from mobiles will vary depending on the service provider. You can send them an email as well: info@tht.org.uk