Have I Missed Out On Life?

Carol, let’s tackle one problem at a time here.  I have to tell you that there are no ‘magic’ books I can suggest you read to help with your problems.  You need proper, one-to-one help on every side to get you out of your muddle.

Let’s start with your relationship with your grossly overweight husband.  He may be kind, thoughtful and considerate but I have to ask you, why did you marry him when there was no physical attraction?  Was it fear of being left ‘on the shelf’?   What did you have in common?  Have you ever had a real, deep and searching conversation with him, asking him how he really feels about you?  Have you ever admitted to him what you really feel about him?  

Communication is at the basis of any strong and good relationship and if you can’t talk to one another openly and honestly, on every level, including a sexual level, then I suggest you seek couple counselling and possibly psycho-sexual counselling if your marriage is to survive.  But is that what you want?  Is that what is right for you both?

It sounds as though you are both so overweight that your weight and the food you eat have now become the dominating factors in your lives.  Everything else is second.  As you have got larger, you have both become lethargic when it comes to sex and it sounds as though you are both now physically incapable of sex because of your size. 

I think if I was married to your husband, the first thing I would do would be to clear the house of junk food and start feeding both him and yourself with healthy food.  The second thing would be to say we are going to follow a sensible eating plan, together, starting today.  The third would be to take him shopping to the supermarket and stocking up on chicken, fish, vegetables and crunchy fruit.

A good way to begin to re-establish a physical relationship is by merely kissing and cuddling and not trying anything more.  Even an affectionate tap on the shoulder or the stroke of an arm can reawaken warmth between you.

Visiting your doctor, both together and individually, could be the first step to solving a number of your problems.  Being grossly overweight is, as you have already acknowledged, very unhealthy.   Gastric banding surgery is not, however, the only answer.  You can help BOTH of you right now by joining a slimming regime such as Weight Watchers or Slimmers World.   There are bound to be groups of both these excellent organisations where you live.  Just put them into a Google search to find your nearest branch. 

You can also follow the Weight Watchers plan on line for a small monthly cost,  although I suspect that for you, joining a group might be far more effective.   Following whichever programme you feel suits you best will give you a ‘kick start’ to losing weight, even if you decide to go ahead with the surgery.  Don’t put it off.  Start now.

It’s hardly surprising, from the sound of it, that you’ve made love less than once a year during your 24 years of marriage, or that you’ve failed to have a family.   It could be that it’s no mean physical feat to get that close to one another.   No-one can put the physical attraction there if it wasn’t there to start with.  Nor can either of you look particularly sexy.  

But apart from starting to eat sensibly, I think you might feel a lot better about yourself if you treated yourself to some beauty therapy.  How about getting your hair cut professionally?   Have you ever had a facial?  Or a manicure?   These are all important small steps towards regaining your self-confidence and giving you the impetus you need towards taking those first crucial positive steps towards losing weight.

As for your relationship with a 28-year old married father!  I think you are indulging in fantasy here.  It’s fine to enjoy a friendship with this man, based on a mutual meeting of minds.  However, I bet my bottom dollar he would be acutely embarrassed to discover that you are thinking of him as more than anything than a platonic friend, and to even suggest such a thing to him would herald the end of a beautiful friendship. Come back down to earth.  You are fantasising because of what you don’t have.  So start taking some positive steps.

Concentrate on the possibles, not the impossibles.   Go to the doctor.   Discuss your problems with him or her.   Start losing weight today!  Stop waiting for other people, such as surgeons, to do things for you.  Start talking to your husband, in depth and in a meaningful way.
  
At 50, your life isn’t over.  It’s only just beginning.  No-one can live it for you though and you only get one chance, so make the most of what you CAN do, and stop hankering over what you can’t have.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.