Cheating in Cyberspace

25/11/00

Does engaging in cyber-sex, if you’re in a committed relationship, constitute cheating or adultery? I’ve found it depends on whom you’re asking. Someone in the midst of a divorce, losing a spouse to an online lover, will most likely answer “yes.” If you’re asking a single man or woman the answer will probably be “no.” Someone with strong religious beliefs may give a “yes” answer. There are just as many answers as there are people, and one thing is certain, we all agree or disagree, for our own personal reasons. Some people have felt so strongly about the subject that they've voiced their opinion at various sites. I’ve attempted to come up with my own answer, but I find after reading several hundred opinions, its difficult.

I agree with the opinion of a person who has lost a relationship due to a cyber-affair that went real time, and began with an act of “innocent” cyber-sex. Understanding that this person feels betrayed, hurt and angered by what has happened, is easy. If a partner is looking outside the relationship for fulfillment, there are bound to be issues that aren’t being addressed within the relationship. Yes, this is clearly a case of cheating.

I’ve read the opinions of a few people who insist that cyber-sex is pure fantasy. They don’t see the interaction as being real since there is no physical contact. Each new “adventure” is usually with a different person, rarely the same person twice. The two do not develop a friendship prior to engaging in the act. It’s much akin to a real time “one night stand.” Neither party is interested in maintaining contact beyond the time they spent in a private room online. This sounds like harmless entertainment. I suppose this would depend on whether or not the people involved are in committed relationships, and if so, whether or not the significant others know, and/or approve, of the activity. Frequency might also be an issue. If cyber-sex is happening once a month it may be acceptable to a partner, but if happening three or four times a week, may not.

If I view cyber-sex, taking a religious stance, and understand the Bible correctly, its states that adultery begins in the heart, without ever having to physically perform the deed. If a married person is exchanging words describing sexual actions they’re performing on someone else, even if it’s all in the imagination, my guess is they’re guilty of adultery. Likewise, if you were unattached and engaging in this behaviour with a person who is married, it would be a wrongful act. If both parties are unmarried, I suppose it would fall under the category of fornication. I agree, if looking at cyber-sex from this perspective, it’s wrong. These acts hurt, and go against, not only the scripture, but also the covenant of marriage.

Some say that engaging in cyber-sex has helped their relationship. Of this group, I’ve found that usually both partners are knowingly engaging in cyber-sex, usually in private, but sometimes together, often later sharing bits and pieces of their verbal exchange. They’ve allowed each other to explore their sexuality online. Sometimes one or the other will learn a new or different sexual technique and bring it to the bedroom, eager to experiment. If two people agree this behaviour is acceptable, then who am I to disagree?

Spouses, psychologists and counsellors seem to largely agree on at least a few issues. Trust and commitment are necessary for a successful relationship. If your partner engages in cyber-sex, knowing you disapprove, it can challenge your ability to continue to love that person. If cyber-sex takes time and attention away from your relationship, it is cheating. If an act takes love, interest and eroticism elsewhere, then it is cheating. If a partner is hiding a cyber-sex relationship, then it is cheating. If your partner is expending time and energy in ways that are contrary to building a healthy adult relationship, it is cheating. Most agree too, even if you don't feel that having cyber-sex is the equivalent of having an affair, but your partner does, your opinion doesn't matter when they find out.

In my quest to form a solid opinion, I’ve discovered that's not possible. There are a host of factors to consider before reaching a conclusion. As for me and cyber-sex… I’ll “just say no.”

By R Johnsson

copyright50connect.co.uk

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