Finding love on line

"Cyberlove" is exploding precisely because computer use — and Internet access — is growing rapidly among the adult population. While people initially used computers to get information, they are now quickly turning to them for social uses. Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Appell says this may be because electronic communication fosters a deeper, more intense intimacy due to its ease and anonymity. He describes it as meeting "from the inside out." Dr. Appell should know; a clinical psychologist at the University of California Medical Center in San Francisco, he is also a successful cyberlove seeker, and coauthor (with his wife Beverly) of It Takes Two.com: A Psychological and Spiritual Guide to Finding Love on the Internet Personals (Regent Press, 1999).

William R., a divorced management expert in his early 50s, runs a major professional organization in London. He uses a personal screen name that reflects his preferred vacation spot — it's something like "Manoman." One day while he was online an interloper sent him an instant message — 

The messager was a divorced single mum, a 45-year-old school administrator living in the London suburbs who had begun a quest for companionship by entering a few keywords into a search of the membership directory at America Online. A mutual interest in hiking out west led to many conversations with William and a very successful in-person meeting. A year of courtship and, two months ago, marriage, followed.

Proceed with Caution

"The major danger of the online world, as it is in the real world, is that you will be seduced by words and not by character," observes Dr. Appell. For this reason he urges people to go back to the earliest email messages received in an exchange and read between the lines. He believes that all of the themes in the relationship's development are present in the initial communication.

One deception rampant in the electronic world is marital status. "You must ask the pertinent questions, such as age and marital status, early in the course of an exchange," stresses Dr. Appell. "Scammers fudge on them. If there's any equivocation, hit the delete button. It's a way to eliminate the married or the 'players.'"

What you want is what Dr. Appell calls "communicative matching." He urges honesty to self, moving at a rhythm and pace that feels natural to you. It's also important to keep the rhythm and pace of emailing steady. Because email lacks expressive tones, any changes in the rhythm of messaging may be read as changes in feelings.

One good indicator of a relationship's potential is a correspondent's interest in his or her children, whether small or grown. People who are attached to their children are likely to be capable of emotional involvement and know something about commitment.

So you want to take the plunge, but the World Wide Web is huge. Where do you go? A web site or newsgroup that caters to any nonromance interest of yours — say, antique Persian rugs — will involve people talking and meeting electronically, and many romances have grown from discussions of shared interests.

 

Chat rooms abound online, and people enter them with the specific interest of meeting others. "A chat room is instant, so when people are lonely, they can sign on and instantly be connected to a potential partner or new friend," observes sociologist Robin Hamman of Britain's Hypermedia Research Centre. But the nature of these connections may not be your cup of tea. Hamman's studies of chat room users show that many participants are "sitting naked in front of their computers, sharing interactive sexual fantasies with each other." Adds Dr. Appell: "The search for real relationships there is rare."

An alternative is posting a personal ad online in a personals or dating registry, or joining an online dating service like Match.com, browsing their personals ads, and responding by email to those that pique your interest. "Posting in an online personals area is like placing a personals ad in the newspaper," says Hamman. "It could take days, even months, for anyone to reply to your ad if at all. The quality of responses, however, might be more satisfactory because only those who truly think they might be your 'match' tend to reply."

There is a guide to personals services online; it's called Cupid's Network. The site lists and has direct links to hundreds of dating and personals services, most of which you can browse on a trial basis at no cost. Dr. Appell recommends this as a place to invest some time. "Take care in selecting a network. Some are 'players' places," catering to the young-and-restless or to those in search of non-serious relationships. The more selective you are in matching a network to your interests and goals, the higher the quality of responses you get."

 

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