Finding love and maintaining dignity is something we often
struggle to do in our relationships, according to inspirational
speaker and bestselling author Iyanla Vanzant. In her most recent
book,
In
the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want, Vanzant
offers specific advice for breaking the cycle of disappointing and
destructive relationships. The experience of struggle is called the
meantime, says Vanzant. Whether we're seeking a more loving
relationship with a family member or seeking a soul mate, it is the
work we are called to do on ourselves that makes the meantime so
challenging. Amazon.com's Spirituality editor Gail Hudson interviews
Iyanla Vanzant and finds out how we can start making the most out of
the meantime.
Amazon.com: Can you explain
what the meantime is? In the book you mention things like it's a time
of waiting for further instruction or more guidance or additional
support. But it's even broader than that, isn't it?
Iyanla Vanzant: I think the
meantime is where 99 percent of us spend most of our time, because few
of us are satisfied with where we are. There's usually something
that's not wrong, but something just ain't right. It's something that
we feel, and you can't quite put your finger on. It's the waiting time
between the end of one thing and the beginning of something else. Or
the beginning of something until you get comfortable. Or where you are
in relation to where you were and where you want to be. That's the
meantime. It's more of an experience or a state of being than an
actual event.
Amazon.com: And in terms of
finding the love that we want, the meantime is a time of preparation?
Vanzant: Well, the meantime is
what you do until you get it right. Even when we are in a love
relationship, most of us have something that we think needs to be
improved. But what I'm saying is, rather than working on the other
person or working on the situation, work on yourself! Because as you
become more stable, more solid, more secure, more loving, everything
around you is going to make the shift.
Amazon.com: So there is
considerable work to be done in the meantime. This is not just a time
of hanging out.
Vanzant: Well, you can hang
out. You can hang out and have fun in the meantime, but that means
that you are comfortable with yourself--you are happy with yourself,
you love yourself, and that you've learned how to enjoy your own
company. So that you don't always have to be working on something or
waiting for somebody, you are completely content where you are. And
sometimes--in the meantime--what we have to do is work on that!
Working on becoming content, happy, at peace, more loving with
ourselves.
Amazon.com: I was interested to
read that you believe that many people are looking for a relationship
with a lover that will fulfill their longing for a loving relationship
with God. Is that accurate?
Vanzant: Very accurate.
Amazon.com: How would you
suggest people overcome this misplaced longing?
Vanzant: Spend some time with
God. That's what you want to do with your lover. You want to spend
some time with your lover. How about spending time with God? In quiet
contemplation. In prayer. In meditation. In just a heart-to-heart
conversation. The same way you would send a card or write a letter to
you lover, send a card or write a letter to God, and get clear about
your relationship with God. Ask God questions about your life. Ask God
questions about you. These are the things that we do with our lover,
but we never think about just doing them with our Creator.
Amazon.com: You mentioned that
every relationship is the relationship you need at that time. That the
purpose of relationships is to bring one closer to self-love and love
for others. And I'm wondering how abusive relationships fit into this
statement?
Vanzant: They don't. If you
love yourself, you don't stay in an abusive relationship! So in the
meantime, what you need to be working on is packing and moving and
getting clear and getting out. As opposed to working to make the
relationship better. Love yourself enough to move yourself to another
location.
Amazon.com: I enjoyed some of
your meantime tips, one of them being we love in others what we love
in ourselves, and we despise in others what we cannot see in
ourselves. Do you have any other meantime tips on the tip of your
tongue?
Vanzant: I would say spend less
time looking out and more time looking in. Just look within and write
down or examine or reflect on what it is you are feeling, and when you
felt it before, and how you can work through it. These are the
questions that you can ask yourself and ask your Creator so that you
can move into a relationship with a broader perspective. Sometimes in
relationships we hone in on the person's shortcomings, but we don't
see our own shortcomings. But when you see your shortcomings, those in
others don't seem as grotesque and annoying.
Amazon.com: You use an analogy
of housecleaning throughout your book. What are the things that we
have to clean up and throw out in order to have the love we want?
Vanzant: Fear. Doubt. Lack of
trust. Guilt. Shame. Valuelessness. Worthlessness.
Amazon.com: So it's all the
forms of self-hatred?
Vanzant: It's the stuff! To say
self-hatred is too starkly abusive to people. Because nobody is going
to sit around and say, I hate myself! But we can say, Okay, okay, I do
have some trust issues. All right, All right. Maybe I do have some
worth issues. Okay, okay, yes, I am afraid of being hurt. So I say,
work on your stuff! That's a lot more palatable and user-friendly.
Amazon.com: Is that why you say
responsibility is the great spiritual cleanser?
Vanzant: Oh, absolutely! Taking
responsibility for who you are, what you feel, and what you do. When
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