Surviving an Affair

You just learned the news and it has hit you like a ton of bricks. You've talked with one another and there is some hope that your marriage can survive. But you still fill sick inside. What can you do ?

1. Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage.
2. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion are normal.
3. You may have some physical reactions such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating. Try to take care of yourself.
4. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water and to have some fun. Balance is the key to getting through this experience.
5. It's ok and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on.
6. Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.
7. Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings.
8. Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. Ask all the questions you want. However, your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place.
9. Seek counseling. Don't try to get through this alone.
10. Take it one day at a time.
11. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details. Don't promise them anything that you can't keep. They need to know that you are going to be ok.
12. Try not to get into the blaming game. It's wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won't change anything.
13. You may have post-traumatic stress if you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity. See a physician as soon as you can.
14. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage. It takes time.
15. Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.
    

Tips:

1. There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a sympton of other problems in the marriage, it could relate to something in your spouse's past. You may never truly know why it happened.
2. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did it occur to end the marriage?
3. Remember that your current marriage has ended. You will grieve that loss.
4. The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.
5. Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse's family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.

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