Having The Courage To Seek Help

One woman speaks of her and her husband's experience of trying to find help to treat impotence with the hope that no other couple has to go through a similar experience.

Mary and Dougie Stewart have been married for 37 years and have two grown up children. They contacted the Impotence Association earlier this year and upon request were soon happy to volunteer to help other sufferers by speaking openly about their experiences of impotence. 

They have exposed a dreadful and lengthy history of negative responses which they received when trying to obtain treatment. Their hope is that this no longer happens to couples and that their experience will encourage others to go forward.

When did impotence first become a problem?

In the early seventies Dougie began to suffer with erectile dysfunction. He no longer had erections during the night and those that did occur were sporadic. In 1973, when I was only 34 years old, I had a hysterectomy. I was slow to recover owing to complications. About three months after my operation we realised that Dougie had become totally impotent.

What were your initial reactions?

He thought that he was half a man and I thought that he thought that I was half a woman. I now know that Dougie secretly feared that his gender was changing, or that perhaps he was becoming a homosexual, or had cancer. I tried to reassure him that I still loved him and voiced my concern that perhaps he had ‘gone off me’ following the hysterectomy. He said - not true. If it wasn’t for the fact that we had already had the children I think that the pressures would have been unacceptable.

Did you seek help?

Neither of us felt brave enough to talk to anyone about the problem, let alone our GP. In those days ‘nice’ people did not talk about sex. However, my own increasing sexual frustration and fear that I would transmit this pressure onto an already suffering Dougie drove me to seek help. I plucked up the courage to write to a reputable counselling service. In her written reply the counsellor was surprised that anyone ‘as old as 35’ would actually want to have sex! It took another year until my second attempt. I wrote to a magazine agony aunt this time. She commended me for being sensitive in regard to Dougie’s self esteem and suggested that time would make a difference - but did not say how much time!

During that early period how did it affect your relationship?

I began to find impotence quite distressing and our relationship was very strained. Living together became very difficult - sharing the same bedroom unbearable. If Dougie hadn’t been such a wonderful husband I feel sure that we would have split up. At the time it was socially unacceptable to talk about a woman’s sex drive - unlike today, thank goodness. Sadly, we were unaware that there were alternative ways of lovemaking. We realised that I had as high a sex drive as Dougie, if not higher, yet without means of relief. I was unable to sleep at night because I felt so explosive. We both felt very cheated as we simply could not bring this part of our relationship to its natural conclusion. We missed not just the physical togetherness but the very precious emotional closeness that lovemaking provides. I tried my best to support Dougie and pretended that impotence did not matter. At least we were still together as a family. More and more Dougie felt that he was a failure because he was unable to ‘satisfy’ me. We shed many tears and even tried to avoid all physical contact including kissing and holding hands. Our 15th and 25th Wedding Anniversaries went by without us being able to really celebrate them the way other couples do. We found abstinence very difficult, and especially so when it was not our choice.

Did you ever find the help that you both so desperately needed?

As time passed now and again we approached other experts with varying degrees of support and understanding. Some included, ‘What else do you expect- you are middle aged now’, ‘We do not want to help you as you just want sex for pleasure - we could only help if you wanted sex to have a child’, ‘Your desire for sex with your husband is all in your mind’, ‘There is nothing to help you’ (the penile injections had been available for some time in the UK). All books seemed to suggest a similar theme - all ‘decent’ ladies were frigid and all men were constantly virile. I read that impotence rarely had any physical cause - it was all in the mind.

We tried to make the best of things - thinking that we were the only ones in the whole world living and loving with impotence. Of course it is a condition easily hidden. We frequently assured each other of our devotion and unconditional love.

In 1982 Dougie was diagnosed as a diabetic - treated initially with tablets and diet and now insulin. Dougie also has high blood pressure. But it wasn’t until 1995 that a private doctor informed us that owing to his diabetes it was in fact impossible for Dougie to have normal erections. It was no use even trying. At last someone who understood what was going on and could hopefully help us! To date we still haven’t found a treatment suitable for Dougie that works - but we will keep on trying. In the meantime with the doctor’s help and advice we have, I suppose, changed the dynamics of our lovemaking to ease both our frustrations. I hope that much more research will be done in this area in the future by specialists.

How is your relationship now?

Our relationship has blossomed. We more than compensate our losses by giving each other small treats and tokens of affection. The advice we were given has helped us to concentrate on other methods of lovemaking. Massage, cuddling, cosy chats, scented candles to create the right romantic environment, giving Dougie as much visual pleasure as possible - more light hearted fun. We make special attempts to have uninterrupted love appointments and use a whole morning or afternoon - thus avoiding tiredness. Using other methods has enabled both of us to have a satisfactory conclusion to our lovemaking. Something Dougie and I both appreciate.

Until we find a treatment that works impotence remains a problem which we are facing together. We love each other very much and at least we want to make love. We are open, honest and supportive to each other and make ‘TLC’ a very high priority.

What is your message to other impotence patients?

These days it is OK to talk about impotence. Shame and blame sho

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