Bad relationships - older men treading a familiar pathPosted on: 08 January 2015 by 50connect editorial
Manj Weerasekera looks at the reasons why many older men struggle to find lasting second relationships
The Office for National Statistics estimates that over 60% of second marriages end in divorce (far higher than the 41 per cent rate for marriages in general), with over a third ending within five years. These are astounding statistics and suggest that lessons are clearly not being learned the first time around.
Manj Weerasekera, aka The Fresh Start Guy works with divorced men helping them find the right partner. In his experience there are five deadly mistakes that divorced men make when looking for lasting love the second, or even third, time around:
Jumping in too soon
This can stem from several possible areas including anxiety, guilt, sadness, loneliness and even anger about being alone. All of these can lead us to jump in to a new relationship before we’ve really past the previous one.
Your mindset and emotional strength is important. Do not allow anyone, including yourself, feel sorry for you.
Join a club or society and make new friends who will see you for who you are and not for what you used to represent.
Getting your mindset right is the most important thing you can do.
Attracting the same woman again
Recent neuroscience research, and psychology, tells us that for the majority of our time, we’re running off our unconscious minds i.e. our ‘auto-pilots’. So whatever has conditioned our auto-pilot dictates what our mind will be looking to attract in the future. If you have been living with a person for many years, you will have been conditioned to them and their traits.
Once you begin to understand this you can start to make changes at a mindset level that can get you life-changing results.
Holding on to any negative emotions, feelings etc. will help manifest the similar situations again, including similar traits again in your next partner. You need to lose all this unresourceful ‘baggage’.
It’s not necessarily about ‘forgiving and forgetting’ it’s about losing the attachment to the past and dropping the ‘story’ so that you can move on with decorum and give yourself the best chance of finding the right partner for you.
Not designing their ideal partner
If you want to attract Mrs Right you have to decide what Mrs Right will be like. For example:
- What she looks like physically
- How she sounds
- What she is like emotionally
- What interests she has and what she likes doing
- What beliefs and values she has
- How you are physically together
- Her temperament
- Her spirituality
Not all the areas above will be important to you and you will come up with some of your own.
The list does not have to be perfect. If you are really stuck - list out a female version of you. You cannot go too far wrong if the woman you’re with shares your ideals, values, beliefs and interests.
Not reviewing themselves
Once you have designed your ideal partner you need to ask yourself, “What type of man do I need to be to attract a woman like that?”
For example, this could be body shape, grooming or hygiene. Most women take considerable care and attention in preparing themselves when they go out on a date; especially a first date. How attractive is it to them if the man turns up with dirty fingernails? Remember; first impressions last.
Not getting expert help
Expert help from good trainers, consultants, mentors and coaches can really accelerate the process. After all, in many ways you’re learning a new skill.
For example, can you make your date laugh or feel comfortable in your presence? If not, then get yourself a good coach that can help you.
Help from experts can make all the difference. It will also boost your confidence in other areas – including your career or business.
If you are looking for lasting love after a divorce (or two) then being mindful of the deadly mistakes above can make the difference between another failed relationship and the partner of your dreams.
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