My retirement = prison

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Posted on: 05 April 2012 by Heather McPhaul

Pension gone? Retirement fund stolen? Cost of health benefits unaffordable? Consider the retirement plan I’ve decided on for my future: Prison.

 

Pension gone?  Retirement fund stolen?  Cost of health benefits unaffordable?  Consider the retirement plan I’ve decided on for my future: Prison.

My Future Self

Radical, you say?  Unreasonable?  Mad?  Just listen to the advantages: Days spent lounging in your room with dedicated time outdoors.  Three square meals a day.  An extensive library.  Free gym membership.  And, best of all, the most comprehensive health care coverage that money (but not yours) can buy. Is this a vacation in the Bahamas, or a fiesta in the big house?  ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale!  Sign me up!

First, how to qualify.  Of course the options are as numerous as the human imagination.  Choose the ignominy that is right for you!

Smile! You're set for life now!

Know someone who really sticks in your craw? Take out (Extinguish! Silence! Annihilate!) that someone.  Let’s face it, he or she is probably a public nuisance anyway (or at least a major buzz kill).  (Visualize yourself as the titular vigilante from the TV show Dexter.)  Should you have your sights set on a big fish, don’t hold back.  As a liberal, perhaps you’d like to “stare down the cross hairs” at a certain Alaskan pundit; as a dog lover, then perhaps you’d prefer to assault a particular NFL quarterback; as an honest citizen who is against stealing from schools and non-profit foundations (and pretty much everybody else), then you can always perform the ultimate swindle on everyone’s favorite Ponzi schemer.  The options are limitless!

Or, instead of going rogue, go Robin Hood!  Rob a bank or (better yet!) a Wall Street brokerage firm with the intent to “take from the rich and give to the poor.”  You’ll qualify for the retirement plan and look like a mensch!

The point is Get out there and commit a felony! Prisons are already overbooked and your bunk won’t be held forever.  Give your soul a quick shakedown and decide as soon as possible what criminal offense has your name on it!

Your New Homies

And for your effort?  A fully paid retirement in prison (ah, my mind is at ease already).  Lounging, reading, working out — all at the taxpayers’ expense!

So stop worrying and put your retirement plan into action!  Your new homies are waiting to meet you!

Full disclosure:  Not responsible for injuries encountered in qualifying for plan.  Entrance into the retirement plan available for all, excluding celebrities as they are impossible to convict.

Alcatraz -- the Ultimate Retirement Destination

 

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Perry Tui posted 16 May 2012

I like it Heather. Well done.

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brenda roenz posted 20 October 2012

This is great! hahaha......i'll have to show it to hubby, he will be retiring next june. i think he is a little worried, anxious to retire, but worried of what the future holds...i very much  enjoyed this post

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Finnegan Kevin posted 24 December 2019

In short, you have a bad career so far but I feel you learn a lot from these failures. The coursework writing uk want to know more about your story so they cover in their upcoming book and share with other people.

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william mike posted 24 January 2020

Perhaps you’d prefer to assault a particular NFL quarterback; as an honest citizen who is against stealing from schools and non-profit foundations <!--td {border: 1px solid #ccc;}br {mso-data-placement:same-cell;}-->nursing essay paper

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chandra shekhar posted 24 February 2020

Know someone who really sticks in your craw? Take out (Extinguish! Silence! Annihilate!) that someone.  Let’s face it, he or she is probably a public nuisance anyway (or at least a major buzz kill).  (Visualize yourself as the titular vigilante from the TV show Dexter.)  Should you have your sights set on a big fish, don’t hold back.  As a liberal, perhaps you’d like to “stare down the cross hairs” at a certain Alaskan pundit; as a dog lover, then perhaps you’d prefer to assault a particular NFL quarterback; as an honest citizen who is against stealing from schools and non-profit foundations (and pretty much everybody else), then you can always perform the ultimate swindle on everyone’s favorite Ponzi schemer.  The options are limitless!


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April Hilario posted 24 July 2020

You made me realized not to retire early. But I dont want to work till i am old. But thanks for this wonderful write up, by the way.




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