Wooden spoons, Orangutans, butter and Redknapp.
Posted on: 30 January 2012 by DAWN CANNING
Won a competition at last!
I have finally had a win, and it's a Biggy.
Two days ago a courier delivered a box containing ten solid beech kitchen utensils, carved by rescue Orangutans living in a sanctuary in Delia Smith's garden. The icing on the cake is that the set includes a much longed for meat tenderiser specially whittled by the pack leader, Dolph, who according to the blurb only has one testicle because of poachers.
So that's this year's Christmas presents sorted out. Not being much of a 'people person' I know just eight people and I only give presents to two of those. That leaves eight utensils for me. Result.
Yep, I won the wooden spoons.
Dave won't eat anything but butter. I don't mean that he sits down to a slab of Countrylife for his tea, although that would be very entertaining to watch. I mean that he turns his nose up at imitation butter of any kind. This is annoying as there are currently over two million different margarines on sale in British supermarkets and despite never having tasted them, he claims that each and every one makes him bilious.
Interestingly not one of the margarines is called 'margarine' - they are all referred to as 'spreads'. 'Margarine' seems to have become a marketing swear word these days.
Personally it makes me think of minced up cow udders and World War II, so I can see why they're trying to move away from it.
Disliking waste, I think it could be recycled as a name-Margerina. Ideal for Wills and Kates first born, whatever the sex.
Anyway, butter has shot up in price but at the moment there are two good butter offers on. Morrison's currently has 2 x 250g Anchor for £2 and Tesco have Lurpak with sea salt 2 x 200g for £1.60.
Annoyingly supermarkets tend to keep offers on 'real' foods like butter, under their hats, whilst trumpeting offers on Pringles, Muller yoghurt's, Goodfellas pizzas and suchlike, so I thought I would mention it here, giving all three readers the 'heads up'.
Maybe Delia can take him as well as Redknapp?
Proving that money isn't everything, I was saddened to hear of Harry Redknapp's plight this week.
When up in front of the Beak for alleged tax weaselling, he claimed that he "writes like a two year old, can't work a computer, doesn't know what an e mail is, can't spell, has never sent a text or a fax, has never wrote a letter, doesn't understand Deal or No Deal, needs to have his food mushed up and has no feeling in his anus".
Well I made up the last one but really, the poor man needs some type of care package.
Goodness knows how he manages to write his regular column for The Sun. He must be in a right state as the deadline approaches. I can imagine him sat at the newspaper covered kitchen table, potato stamp in hand, sweating, with tongue sticking out in concentration and powder paints all over the place, desperately trying to produce something for the Sun readers whilst the courier pigeon stomps around getting arsey.
So moved am I, that I have decided to donate one of my wooden spoons to him to help him to mush up his food. He's not having the tenderiser though.
Perhaps Delia could find a place in the sanctuary for him?