Wooden spoons, Orangutans, butter and Redknapp.

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Posted on: 30 January 2012 by DAWN CANNING

Won a competition at last!

I have finally had a win, and it's a Biggy.

Two days ago a courier delivered a box containing ten solid beech kitchen utensils, carved by rescue Orangutans living in a sanctuary in Delia Smith's garden. The icing on the cake is that the set includes a much longed for meat tenderiser specially whittled by the pack leader, Dolph, who according to the blurb only has one testicle because of poachers.

So that's this year's Christmas presents sorted out. Not being much of a 'people person' I know just eight people and I only give presents to two of those. That leaves eight utensils for me. Result.

Yep, I won the wooden spoons.

Dave won't eat anything but butter. I don't mean that he sits down to a slab of Countrylife for his tea, although that would be very entertaining to watch. I mean that he turns his nose up at imitation butter of any kind. This is annoying as there are currently over two million different margarines on sale in British supermarkets and despite never having tasted them, he claims that each and every one makes him bilious.

Interestingly not one of the margarines is called 'margarine' - they are all referred to as 'spreads'. 'Margarine' seems to have become a marketing swear word these days.

Personally it makes me think of minced up cow udders and World War II, so I can see why they're trying to move away from it. 

Disliking waste, I think it could be recycled as a name-Margerina. Ideal for Wills and Kates first born, whatever the sex.

Anyway, butter has shot up in price but at the moment there are two good butter offers on. Morrison's currently has 2 x 250g Anchor for £2 and Tesco have Lurpak with sea salt 2 x 200g for £1.60.

Annoyingly supermarkets tend to keep offers on 'real' foods like butter, under their hats, whilst trumpeting offers on Pringles, Muller yoghurt's, Goodfellas pizzas and suchlike, so I thought I would mention it here, giving all three readers the 'heads up'.

Maybe Delia can take him as well as Redknapp?

Proving that money isn't everything, I was saddened to hear of Harry Redknapp's plight this week.

When up in front of the Beak for alleged tax weaselling, he claimed that he "writes like a two year old, can't work a computer, doesn't know what an e mail is, can't spell, has never sent a text or a fax, has never wrote a letter, doesn't understand Deal or No Deal, needs to have his food mushed up and has no feeling in his anus".

Well I made up the last one but really, the poor man needs some type of care package.

Goodness knows how he manages to write his regular column for The Sun. He must be in a right state as the deadline approaches. I can imagine him sat at the newspaper covered kitchen table, potato stamp in hand, sweating, with tongue sticking out in concentration and powder paints all over the place, desperately trying to produce something for the Sun readers whilst the courier pigeon stomps around getting arsey.

So moved am I, that I have decided to donate one of my wooden spoons to him to help him to mush up his food. He's not having the tenderiser though.

Perhaps Delia could find a place in the sanctuary for him?

 

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Henry Farber posted 03 February 2012

Hi Dawn. Yes, Dave's got it right. Anchor is the king of supermarket butters. Lurpak is to butter, what Mellow Birds is to coffee. Oooooh, I'm coming over all butter geek!

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Gareth Hargreaves posted 03 February 2012

I remember before my wife and I were married, I took her up north to meet my mum and dad. I grew up just north of Manchester in Rossendale. In terms of northern caricatures my dad ticks most boxes, in fact, you could probably call him a professional northerner. 

Anyway one dinner time (that's lunch time to southeners), my dad was in the kitchen making butties and to impress Alison with his culinary skills, he made her's first. I was delighted to discover that he had created for her his signature dish - a butter buttie! 
The recipe is simple but the execution takes skill: take one muffin or roll, one slice of ham, and one block of butter straight from the fridge.  
Cut the bread and then carve out and apply the butter. There's no point trying to spread it so just chop off bits and stick them into each of the cut muffins. Add a slice of ham and 'Bob's your uncle' you have a sandwich that feels like you have ham and candle wax in your mouth. We still laugh about it now!   

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DAWN CANNING posted 03 February 2012

Nice to have a bit of butter banter on a Friday.

Henry-I agree with you as Lurpak is usually disturbingly pale, like lard. The Lurpak in the picture is a new variety which has added sea salt and is actually very yellow and nicely salty. Much better than the normal Lurpak and worth a try. 
Gareth-that sounds like the sort of sandwich which has the butter so thick you leave teeth marks in it. Brilliant for forensics, had Alison got a bit miffed because she asked your dad for breaded ham and it wasn't, triggering her to embark on a killing spree with the butter knife and flee the scene. They'd have had her in no time.
By the way the Anchor is still 2 x 250g for £2 at Morrisons.


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