Do first wives have to come first?

Posted on: 21 January 2008 by

BooBoo's husband has ensured his first wife's financial security - but not hers. Does that mean he doesn't love her any more?

BooBoo Writes:

We have been married eight-and-a-half years. But my husband puts his ex-wife's financial security before mine. They still exchange Christmas, birthday and as far as I know anniversary gifts. He says that he's made sure his ex will be taken care of in the event of his death, but that he has left me enough to get by until I find someone else.

Some time ago, he thought he was dying and took out a £750,000 cancer life insurance policy on himself and made her the beneficiary. He attaches our pre-nuptial agreement to every legal paper he signs on both personal and business agreements. This all makes me feel so alone in this marriage.

I can understand him letting her have everything they accumulated as man and wife when they were married but now he is married to me. His responsibility now should be to provide for me. I need emotional, and financial security as much as she does.

All I ever wanted in this marriage was a loving home but I feel my only contribution in his eyes is as an unpaid housekeeper. I feel so rejected and hurt. What gives here?

The point I'm trying to get at is this, if he loved me he would be more concerned about my welfare than hers. I need help desperately on how to cope. We have parted and I am having a tough time dealing with the emotional issues of feeling unloved and being used. I feel so stupid. Please, give me support of some kind.

Andy Advises:

It may be painful to admit it to yourself, but your husband clearly isn't in love with you any more. I don't know why you married him - was it just loneliness? If you had a prenuptial agreement, then you must have been aware from the start just how much financial support he was prepared to give you. Obviously the answer is none.

You 'give away' his state of mind by telling me that he says he will only provide for you 'until you meet someone else'. I honestly feel that however hard it may be, the best thing you can do is walk away from this relationship and untangle any ties you have with this man, be they emotional or financial, as fast as you can. Take what is really yours (not what you think he 'owes' you) and get out. Look for new friends (not necessarily male friends - a good and true girl friend can be so very precious and supportive).

Don't be desperate for a man to 'support' you financially. That never works. Desperation of any kind has a 'smell' about it that puts people off. Look for ways of being independent. How about seeking a small part-time job that will keep you occupied, keep your mind off your emotional baggage and give you a small income.

Clinging on to a relationship that has run its course is pointless. Looking back over it and dissecting it is a waste of time and energy. Gather your energy and spend it fruitfully on building a new life. You sound rather depressed. Why not go and see your doctor and perhaps accept some medication to see you over this bad patch. Keep in touch and let me know how you get on.

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