Fantasy sex

Posted on: 21 January 2008 by

Promusician is living in dreamland. Is it time to come back to earth? Andrea Kon offers advice.

Promusician Writes:

I am in my 40’s and have been in a relationship for about 12 years now. However, it is no longer a sexual one. I find myself going onto dating sites looking for...well the above, but I suppose lucky for me they all live far too far away for anything to happen.

This is a little bit hard to talk about...I'm sure you understand. How can I stop this stupid habit? 



Andy Advises:

You don’t need me to tell you that you can break any habit if you try hard enough. Smoking, drinking, drug taking, standing on one foot – they’re all habits and the way to break any habit is just to stop doing it. 

The truth is, this isn’t really about stopping bad habits, is it? If you really wanted an affair, you wouldn’t be chasing dream women on the internet.  It’s easy enough to trot out to a pub or club and pick up a woman.   I suspect that you don’t really want another woman. You just enjoy the thought that you could have one if you wanted to.

The real problem is that your relationship is ‘sexless.’ Having sex is a means of fulfilling a hunger, almost as much as eating is.  You are hungry, but your partner seems to have lost her appetite.

First, you need to talk about what’s wrong?  Is she getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere? Is she having menopausal problems that make sex painful?  Is she scared to talk to you openly?  Initiate a conversation and tell her you need her to show you love in the fullest, relationship sense of that word, as well as companionship. 

If you can’t talk, then perhaps you might consider consulting Relate, who offer Counselling, sex therapy and relationship education supporting couple and family relationships throughout life.  You will find them at http://www.relate.org.uk/NearestRelate.asp

I think you should suggest visiting your GP together, and talking about the problem.  The GP could examine your partner to see if there is any underlying cause to this problem and if there is no physical reason then perhaps you might ask him/her to refer you to a qualified sex therapist.  You can get treatment on the NHS. 

The other suggestion is that you contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire, CV21 2SG, phone 0870 433 5252 or visit their Website www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist.

If all else fails, and none of these suggestions appeal, then I suggest you have it out and make a clean break.   Then you can get on the internet – and chase dreams for the rest of your life!!
 

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