Is my jealousy justified?

Posted on: 21 January 2008 by

Angie’s been checking up on her man, and she doesn’t like what she’s found.

Angie Writes:

My boyfriend divorced last February. We have been dating for eight months, but only moved in together last week. He is a lorry driver and he and his ex-wife both work for the same company. They have remained friends, and I have been fine with this as she is the log book guru for the company they work for.

The issue I am having is this. I was browsing our cell phone bills on line one day to see how much time I had been using talking to him while he is on the road. Then I noticed that he seemed to be spending a phenomenal amount of time on the phone to her. One call alone was 149 minutes long. Others were 59 minutes, 30 minutes and so on.

I casually mentioned to him that he spends more time talking with her on his personal, not the business phone, than he spends talking to me. I told him I did not want to fight about this and I did not want to continue the conversation. It ended.

That same day I got back on the cell phone site to download my phone pictures, and found he had changed his password. He is on the road and obviously in a bad mood today. We don't talk much when he's like that. I'm thinking I made a huge mistake moving him in here, but now what? Is it possible he is working on getting her back? Is this just a huge sign to me to let him go? I need help with this one.



Andy Advises:

It’s impossible to have a deep and meaningful relationship without trust, and I don’t think you really trust your boyfriend, or you wouldn’t check up on him - not even accidentally! I can understand you checking your own cell phone account on line, but why did you even go into his? Curiosity, or to check up on who he was calling. Answer that honestly. If you are honest with yourself, could it be that you know they work together and you were jealous.

No-one can live happily that way and it’s certainly not the way to keep him. I don’t think it is, as you suggest, a “huge sign” to let him go. I would suggest it’s a “huge sign” to him that you don’t trust him and are going to be extremely possessive of him both now and in the future.

Everyone is entitled to some privacy, even within a relationship. You just overstepped the mark on his. If he’s furious at you, accept he has every right to be. How would you like it if he checked every call on your cell phone account, or any other account you may have.

This is a very new relationship and before either of you get any further entangled in it, I would suggest that you sit down and have a long chat. Apologise (yes you did read that right) for overstepping the bounds of his privacy. You two need to talk. Sit down with him somewhere quiet and voice your worries - and tell him to voice his openly and honestly.

It might be that he and his ex had very good reasons to talk for hours. Perhaps they were talking about nothing more personal than their children, how to split their home, the mortgage or even parents. Things he didn’t want to discuss in the office, on his business cell phone or in front of you. If, as you say they are still friendly, it might be hard to break the habits of years.

 If you suspect he’s trying to get his ex back, ask him outright if that‘s the case - but you need to believe his answer. Then at least you will know where you stand. Jealousy is truly one of the deadliest of sins. Possessiveness comes a close second. You can’t have a meaningful relationship if either rear their ugly friends so you need to sort it, now.

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